Attachment styles are patterns in how we seek closeness and respond to distance in relationships, shaped by early experiences and later ones. The four commonly described styles are secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised (fearful-avoidant). They are not diagnoses, and they can shift over time.
This article is general information, not clinical advice or an assessment. Counsellors New Zealand lists private practice counsellors who charge for their sessions, so if you would like to talk your own patterns through, you can browse profiles and choose someone who suits you.
What is an attachment style?
An attachment style is a way of describing how a person tends to approach closeness, distance and reassurance in close relationships. It is a lens, not a label. It describes a tendency, and most people recognise a little of themselves in more than one pattern.
In psychology, an attachment model is the set of expectations a person builds about whether others will be there for them and whether they are worthy of care. Those expectations form early, but later relationships can add to them or reshape them.
Attachment styles are not the same as a personality type. Personality describes broad traits across your whole life, while an attachment style describes how you tend to act and feel in close relationships, and it can look different with different people.
What are the four attachment styles?
Most popular summaries describe four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised (also called fearful-avoidant). The table gives a short, general picture of each. Real people are more varied than any table, and many move between patterns depending on the relationship and the season of life.
| Style | How closeness is often experienced | What it can look like in a relationship | What it does not mean |
|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | Comfortable with closeness and with independence | Able to ask for support and give it, and to recover after conflict | It does not mean a person never struggles |
| Anxious | A strong wish for closeness, with worry about being left or not valued | Seeking frequent reassurance, or feeling unsettled when a partner is distant | It does not mean a person is needy or too much |
| Avoidant | A preference for self-reliance and some discomfort with closeness | Pulling back when things feel intense, or finding it hard to share feelings | It does not mean a person does not care |
| Disorganised (fearful-avoidant) | Wanting closeness while also fearing it | Mixed signals, such as reaching out and then withdrawing | It does not mean a person is unstable or unlovable |
What is the difference between anxious and avoidant attachment?
Anxious and avoidant attachment are often described as opposite responses to the same worry: will this person be there for me? With an anxious pattern, closeness feels very important and distance feels unsettling, so a person may reach toward a partner. With an avoidant pattern, self-reliance feels safer, so a person may step back when things feel intense.
For example, someone with an anxious pattern may feel a surge of worry when a message goes unanswered. Someone with an avoidant pattern may feel crowded when a partner asks for more time together. Neither person is being difficult. Each is responding in a way that once made sense to them.
Disorganised, or fearful-avoidant, attachment combines both: a wish for closeness alongside a fear of it, which can show up as reaching out and then withdrawing.
What shapes an attachment style?
Attachment theory began with the British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who proposed that human beings are born with a need to form close bonds with the people who care for them. When a caregiver is generally available and responsive, a child learns that closeness is safe and that help will come when it is needed. His foundational work is the Attachment and Loss series, published from 1969.
The psychologist Mary Ainsworth and colleagues built on this by observing how infants responded when a caregiver left and returned. Their 1978 book, Patterns of Attachment, set out the first descriptions of different attachment patterns.
Attachment styles are not shaped by childhood alone. Friendships, partnerships, losses, health, culture and periods of therapy can all influence how safe closeness feels. Nobody should read an attachment style as proof that a parent or caregiver failed, or that you are to blame.
How do attachment styles affect romantic relationships?
Researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver published work in 1987 applying attachment ideas to adult romantic relationships, and Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz described four adult categories in 1991. This research suggests that our early expectations about whether others will be there can quietly influence how we handle closeness, disagreement and separation.
Attachment styles can also meet in ways that feel painful. One person reaches for connection and the other steps back, and each reads the other’s behaviour as proof of their own fears. Naming the pattern can take some of the blame out of the room.
Attachment is only one part of a relationship. Stress, health, culture, money, parenting and each person’s own history all matter too, so try not to use an attachment style to label yourself or your partner.
How do I know what my attachment style is?
Noticing your own patterns is usually more useful than finding a label. You might reflect on how you tend to respond when someone gets close or pulls away, what you do when you feel uncertain about a partner, and how comfortable you are asking for help.
Online quizzes can be interesting prompts for reflection, but they are not assessments. They are short, they depend on how you feel on the day, and they cannot take your history, culture or current circumstances into account. The self-reflection questionnaires in our tools section work in the same way: they are prompts for thinking, not diagnoses.
A counsellor can listen to your whole story, which a quiz result cannot. There is no single correct test for an attachment style, and no style is a sign that something is wrong with you.
Can attachment styles change?
Many researchers describe attachment patterns as relatively stable but not fixed. Some researchers also describe attachment as a spectrum, with people sitting at different points on dimensions such as anxiety and avoidance, rather than fitting neatly into four boxes. The term earned security is sometimes used for people who come to feel more secure in relationships through later experiences, including steady relationships and therapy.
This does not mean change is quick, guaranteed or the same for everyone. Some people notice small shifts, such as pausing before reacting. Others find a pattern stays with them but becomes easier to live with. Counselling cannot promise a particular outcome.
It can help to treat your pattern with curiosity rather than judgement. Patterns that look unhelpful now often began as sensible ways of staying safe or staying connected.
What are attachment styles not?
Attachment styles are not a mental health diagnosis, and they do not on their own say anything about whether something is wrong with you. They are a way of describing relationship patterns.
They are also not a fixed personality type, and they are not a reason to blame yourself or a parent. Patterns that developed in one setting may look quite different in another.
As for how common each style is, figures vary between studies, samples and the way styles are measured, so it is safer not to rely on a single percentage. If relationship difficulties are affecting your sleep, work or day-to-day life, a conversation with a counsellor or your GP is a more reliable next step than a quiz.
What does attachment look like through a Māori and Pacific lens?
Attachment theory came out of Western research, mostly focused on the bond between a child and one main caregiver. That is a narrow picture of how many people in Aotearoa grow up and belong.
Many Māori and Pacific understandings place connection within a wider web of whānau, community and place rather than a single pair. This means attachment theory may be useful to some people and an awkward fit for others.
A counsellor who respects this will ask about your whānau and your own understanding of connection rather than assume a single model. Our Māori counsellor is the right person to write more on this, and our writers have explored related ideas in the whakapapa of a wound.
How can counselling help with attachment patterns?
Counselling gives you a steady, confidential relationship in which to notice your patterns. Many people find that simply being listened to without being judged is a new experience in itself.
Counsellors work in different ways, so it is worth asking about approach. Some focus on the history behind a pattern, others on practical skills for communicating, and some on how stress shows up in the body. Our guide on what type of therapy do I need? may help you think about the options.
In a session, a counsellor might explore with you:
- How you tend to respond when someone gets close or pulls away.
- Where those responses may have come from.
- What you would like to be different in your relationships.
- Ways of pausing, naming a feeling and asking for what you need.
How do I choose a counsellor and book?
You can find a counsellor and see their approach, the issues they work with and their fees on their profile. Sessions are online by Zoom or phone from anywhere, or in person in some New Zealand locations. Use Ask a question to contact a counsellor, or View pricing and book when you are ready. Some counsellors offer a short introductory conversation.
Fees vary by provider, so check the current rate before you start. It is fine to ask how sessions run, how long they last and how to cancel. Listings are not endorsements, so choose someone you feel comfortable with.
Some people may be eligible for funded support. ACC can fund counselling for sensitive claims, such as those relating to sexual violence, and fees are paid to the counsellor. Eligibility is decided by ACC or Work and Income, so check current details with them. The ACC Provider Map can help you look for registered counsellors.
Sources and further reading
These well-known works are named so you can read them yourself.
- John Bowlby, Attachment and Loss (1969 onward), the foundational work on attachment theory.
- Mary Ainsworth and colleagues, Patterns of Attachment (1978), describing infant attachment patterns.
- Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, research from 1987 applying attachment ideas to adult romantic relationships.
- Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz, research from 1991 describing four adult attachment categories.
Common questions
What are the four attachment styles?
Researchers commonly describe secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised (fearful-avoidant) styles. They describe tendencies in how people approach closeness, not fixed types or diagnoses.
Can you change your attachment style?
Attachment patterns are generally described as fairly stable but not fixed. Supportive relationships and counselling may help some people shift how they relate, though no outcome can be promised.
Is an attachment style the same as a personality type?
No. Personality describes broad traits, while an attachment style describes how you tend to feel and act in close relationships. It can look different with different people.
Are online attachment style quizzes accurate?
They can prompt useful reflection, but they are not assessments. They cannot account for your history, culture or circumstances, so treat results lightly.
Is an attachment style a mental health condition?
No. It is a way of describing relationship patterns, not a diagnosis. If you are concerned about your wellbeing, talk with a counsellor or your GP.